A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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