FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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