I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
