Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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