I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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