I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You pole danced in your parka.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
