I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
