I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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