last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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