1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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