I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
