The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
