when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
