3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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