A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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