I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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