all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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