I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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