Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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