Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
