Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
