my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
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Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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