his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
