how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
