so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
