somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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