what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
