the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
