The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
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Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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