anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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