Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
