Umm I'm too high to move.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
