That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
