The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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