I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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