Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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