dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
