make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
