So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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