Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
