if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
