Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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