T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
