tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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