If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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