not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
