Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
