My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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