Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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