Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just cropdusted the office
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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