I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
