rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
