I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
