Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
